Public Grief

People are devastated by the death of Her Majesty The Queen. We feel collective grief in our shock. How do we grieve so much for someone we never met? Yes, for so many she has been a guiding figure for decades. As someone who has been in the field of grief for years, the answer is my definition of grief – Grief is a reflection of a connection that has been lost. We grieve those we love, we grieve those we like, and we even grieve those we never met personally. All you need to feel is a connection.

People clearly have a connection to Queen Elizabeth. II

One woman in my online grief group today was visibly shaken about the Queen and said, it’s comforting to know that you’re feeling something everyone else is feeling. That’s a reassuring feeling. As a collective we grieve well together, just look back at JFK, Princess Diana, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Farrah Fawcett, Robin Williams, Kobe Bryant and now Queen Elizabeth II.

The second question is why do we grieve her so openly and fully when we come to Public Grief? So many gathered at the palace to honor her. Yet in our own personal grief, we often are less open and compassionate.

Well, the first clue lies in public grieving itself. Since the beginning of time, we were wired to grieve together. Connecting in loss is a human ritual. From man’s earliest records, people gathered together to share a loss in villages and towns throughout recorded history. It makes us feel less alone to share our grief, to know that others feel it to connect with us. The new town square is social media. In modern times, with television, we are able to get to know people we have never met in a way we never thought possible.

We clearly know how to do public grief, so how come we’re not so good at our private grief? I was not surprised at how many people were talking about the Queen today. I walked into a bookstore and coffee shop, everyone was talking about her. They were grieving her openly and were getting together to share their sorrow. That’s great, but most of the time, people tell me they don’t share their private grief at work because they are seen as emotional. Do we have a double standard for our own grief? People share with me they didn’t feel they had permission to be sad and grieve without judgment.

Also in contrast, our friends are all sharing grief over heads of state, sports figures and celebrities, yet we often feel those friends just want us to be over our private grief. Today let’s remember, Queen Elizabeth II, all her family and those in our own life with losses.

Making Meaning around Public Grief

Public Grief is normal and many people are surprised at the depth of emotions that we can feel for public figures that we have never actually met and situations we have never experienced ourselves.

1. Make meaning by attending a public memorial service or gathering, or take the time to watch it on TV.

2. Send a meaningful card with a short note to their loved ones. You can go to the person’s Facebook and leave a comment.

3. Give to a charity in their name, a group that perhaps helps a cause the well-known person cared about or you care about.

4. Make meaning by honoring your private grief. It is even more important than public grief. Only you know the depth of your loss.

In many ways we have become disconnected from our personal Grief. We live in such a productive society that often confuses sadness with weakness, crying with feeling inadequate. In our own personal losses, we become little islands of grief, not sure what we feel, or whether if it’s even right to feel, there is no collective permission. If you are experiencing grief please click on aboutgrief.com for a free helpful video

If you are touched by the death of Queen Elizabeth II, consider how you can make meaning in her honor. Allow this loss to help you consider not only your public grief, but also private grief. You may have a friend that had a loss recently. Reach out to them. Tell them this loss makes you think about how hard it must be for them.